How to pick a Super Bowl team

January 31, 2013

Why I cannot support the Baltimore Ravens:

Ray Lewis is Jimmy Swaggart in shoulder pads, a whining, sobbing criminal who claims a close, personal connection with a God who obviously likes Ray Ray better than the rest of us.

Even if you buy Lewis’s narrative that he was singled out and picked on by the authorities after two men were killed while tangling with his posse back in 2000, you have to accept that his claims to have done nothing but train real hard to come back from a torn tricep strain credulity. I don’t care if he sprayed deer antler velvet or whatever in his mouth — it’s not that big a deal.

But he’s playing better than he has in a couple of seasons, and he’s 37 years old. If God does like Ray better than the rest of us, then God’s got poor taste in buddies.

Also, Edgar Allan Poe is a lousy patron saint for a football team. And Kevin Bacon’s The Following is simply horrible.

Why I cannot support the San Francisco 49ers:

I want to, because I generally support Bay Area teams because I spent a considerable amount of time there when I was a kid. But really, I was a big fan of the Heidi Bowl-era Raiders (I bet that surprises some of you), with Daryle Lamonica and Fred Biletnikof (two guys whose names never look like they’re spelled right).

So, even though I now feel like the Raiders are about as corrupt (and hapless) an organization as the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, something just doesn’t feel right about hopping on the 49er train. I didn’t do it when Joe Montana was there, and I didn’t do it when Steve Young was there.

Besides, I hate how Colin Kaepernick wears his cap. That flat brim stuff actively disturbs me.bilde

But that’s a silly reason not to like a guy. So I don’t really dislike Kaepernick.

But my reasons for not liking Ray Lewis are perfectly valid.

Therefore: Go Niners.

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